Seeing the crowds, I locked myself away in my room, and was glad to finally avoid the people who annoyed me most. It worked out well, because no one ever comes to visit me anyway.

And I closed off my mind and I gloated to myself:

Blessed are the self-reliant, for they do not ask for help.
Blessed are the blame-shifters, for they do not grieve their own sin.
Blessed are the loud and proud, for they will ensure that they earn what is due them. 
Blessed are those who satisfy themselves in the here and now, for today is all we have.
Blessed are those who make sure no one gets away with anything, for they are prepared to justify their actions.
Blessed are the skeptical, for they know that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. 
Blessed are the opinionated, for they will guarantee that their voices are heard.
Blessed are those who are always ready to defend their own behavior, for they will not be misunderstood.
Blessed am I when others offer me honest feedback and my blood boils, for I have no need of saving grace. I will rejoice and be glad, for I can achieve my own reward if I work hard enough, and then no one can take what is rightfully mine.

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Seeing the crowds, He went up on the mountain, and when He sat down, his disciples came to Him. 

And He opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Matthew 5:1-12

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Writing satire feels like playing with fire. There are so many ways to get it wrong, and sometimes it seems that only a genius work like C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters could ever come close to getting it right. While endeavors like moon landings and open heart surgery are best left to the professionals, I hope that this sort of literary wrestling is worth the efforts of an amateur.